Monthly Archives: August 2007

True or False

  1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
  2. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.
  3. If colouring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
  4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
  5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
  6. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
  7. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
  8. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in queues.
  9. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
  10. The average housefly lives for one month.
  11. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
  12. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
  13. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
  14. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
  15. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
  16. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
  17. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a “Gentleman” and “Tootsie.
  18. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
  19. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor.
  20. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

They are all TRUE … Now go back and think about #14!!!

Are you Old?

“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your darling says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”

“OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy young girl catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fibre today.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the car park.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. An “all-nighter” means not having to get up to pee.

If you’re under 50, go on laugh.

If you’re over 50, tell them…. Life gets the last laugh!

The Magic of Modern Living

A Donegal boy and his dad were in Dundrum Town Centre. It was their very first trip away from the farm. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Dad?’ The dad (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

While the boy and his dad were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his dad watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The dad, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.

‘Go get your mother.’

Where has all the Traffic Gone?

My story today took place about 10 days before Elly started Nursery School. The new intake for the year started in small groups adding three or four children each week. The teachers worked according to the alphabet and since our surname belonged in the second half, it was October before her exciting first day.


Elly always found waiting difficult; she liked to be in the forefront of all the action. I am not sure that she has changed much over the years! I was running out of ideas to keep her distracted and knowing that my trips out shopping would have to fit in around her schedule for a couple of months, I decided to have one last morning in town. Since Jack, Elly’s dad was working in the Belfast area that day he offered to drop us off and then we could make our own way home when we had finished.


As we were getting out of the car Jack pushed something into my hand and told us to have a good lunch before going home. The note he gave me was well more than the bus fare, lunch and a few books at Cranes Bookshop!


Despite the regular frisking and checking of our bags as we entered each shop, we had fun looking at all the new autumn fashions and found a few items to add to our wardrobes. We picked and bought a tie for ‘Dad’ before heading to see Miss Crane. Being a normal Business/school day Miss Crane had plenty of time for Elly. An hour passed quickly as we browsed, checked out suggestions and finally selected three or four books to add to the growing library in Elly’s bedroom.


Adding this latest purchase to our ever increasing shopping bags we went in search of a good lunch. The garden Restaurant on the upper level of the Fountain Centre was our choice. Don’t go looking for it now, because it’s no longer there. We had a very enjoyable lunch and feeling satisfied with our morning we decided to catch the next bus home.


We reached the High Street bus stop in good time and sat on the wall at the ground level car park to await the arrival of our bus. It was a nice bright day and Elly enjoyed watching the world all around her. Busses came and went, cars passed and people sauntered or walked briskly to keep appointments. From the sky above we heard the drone of hovering helicopters, a sound we were very used to in this part of the world.


After a while I noticed the traffic was very light, no busses were arriving and then the cars disappeared completely. A few minutes later we heard the blare of sirens and Police and Army vehicles roared past. Things quietened and then after a pause with sirens blaring some of the vehicles returned from whence they came. It was a real indication of a bomb scare. This went on several times and we heard a few explosions. I had no idea if the explosions were controlled or from abandoned vehicles. None of this bothered Elly as she watched all that was happening around us. Never once did she ask why the bus did not come.


It was still early days for me in the North of Ireland, mobile phones were unheard of, and I only knew of two routes from Belfast to our home town. One of these was the motorway, not a possibility for walking home and the other was through some highly charged areas. There was also the fact that I had no idea of what to do if we were re directed at any point from this strife torn part of Belfast. My strong southern brogue was more a hindrance than a help so I decided that staying put was the safest option. The bus would come at some stage, so we sat on.


After a couple of hours I realised that Jack would be aware of what was going on and begin to worry about us. All drivers in those days stayed tuned to local radio for the latest traffic problems and delays. I saw a phone Kiosk on the corner of the street and checking I had sufficient coins I decided to call Jack’s office to see if he was there, alas he was not so I left a message for him saying we were safe and staying at the bus stop in High Street.


Ten or fifteen minutes later the traffic started to move and busses were allowed to leave the bus station once again. Our bus arrived and we boarded gladly. The traffic was very slow and the journey involved many changes to the normal route. We travelled on roads that day I had never seen before or since. The main part of the journey took us up the Crumlin Road, past Ballysillan to the Upper Hightown Road. Up on that high ground I had the most wonderful view of Belfast way below us glowing peacefully in the late afternoon sunshine. It was hard to credit the chaos that we had left behind us and it was almost worth the long delays just to get that view.


It was 5.30p.m as we arrived at our local bus station and alighted into the arms of a much relieved Jack. He had called his office and was given my message within five minutes of my call and he tried to reach us in High Street. A bus was drawing away from the stop when he turned into the street and he was unable because of the traffic to overtake us. He decided to make his own way home and wait at the bus station for us.


Safely home and preparing our meal I contented myself with no more visits to Belfast for the foreseeable future.


I am a Disaster

I feel like I have a swimming pool of water in my ears. The left ear is worse than the right one. Last week when I was out and about I met an acquaintance, and we stood in the street to chat and catch up on each others families etc. The usual traffic was passing by and I realised that I was concentrating on her mouth. OMG! I was trying to Lip Read! This is a recent phenomenon. In fact I have only noticed it since my last stay in Cardiac Care.

In Message in a Bottle Part 2 I mentioned that event and how I was in the early stages of Hypothermia. My temperature was checked every 15 minutes by a contraption that was stuck in my ears. Now I wonder if that had anything to do with my problem, or is it yet another side effect to a new medication added to the basket full I already have.

I spoke to my GP about it and she examined both ears. She said I had plenty of wax in there so we started with drops to see if they might dissolve and solve the problem. They didn’t! Next stage is to have my ears syringed on Wednesday next. This is a warning, if you see me wobbling about the street I will be ‘jober as a sudge’ and not under the alfluence of incohol! Nothing louder than a whisper will be allowed around here for the remainder of the week.

Excuse me! I apologise. I have burped! My mother would be horrified; she always told us it was impolite to burp. I will try not to do it again.

As I put my hands back on the keyboard I realise they do not match today. The right has a long scratch that has formed into a scab while the left one has a multi-coloured bruise. These blemishes are my reward for a few hours in the garden the other day. I only have to think about touching something and a bruise appears. It is enough to make me shiver.

It set me thinking. Why do we shiver, bruise, form scabs on scratches burp, or have excessive wax in our ears?

Why do we shiver?

When we shiver, our bodies are doing the opposite of sweating. Sweating cools the body by putting a layer of liquid on the skin. Shivering tightens the skin and shakes the muscles, a process that conserves and generates heat. You can stop your shivering by bundling up—just like your mother says.

Why does a bruise turn colours?

A bruise is actually a pocket of blood under the skin caused by a broken blood vessel. It changes colour and fades as the body reabsorbs the blood from the bruise.

How does a scab form?

Scabs patch up holes in the skin. Certain cells in our bloodstream recognize when our skin has been broken. These cells, called platelets, start patching the break in the skin and call in other blood components to help complete the process. They do an amazing job. Don’t make your platelets work overtime by picking your scabs!

What causes a burp?

When we eat, we swallow air with our food. Our stomach already has air in it from bacteria that produces gas and from chemical reactions caused by digestive enzymes. When there is too much air to fit in our stomach, we force some out in what we call a “burp.” It’s funny that something considered impolite occurs so naturally.

Where does ear wax come from?

Ear wax is made by skin glands near our ear drums. The wax protects the ear canals and acts as a barrier against bugs and bacteria. Only in cartoons can it be used for candles!

So now you know!

A Cup of Coffee solves Stress!

My friend Tony with a group of University Lecturers, well established in their careers, decided to visit their old esteemed university professor, now elderly and retired. During their visit conversation evolved into complaints about stress in their work and lives.

The professor offered his guests coffee. The professor returned from the kitchen with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups: porcelain, pottery, glass & plastic. Some were plain looking and others were fancy. The professor urged the group to help themselves to the coffee.

When the entire group held a cup of coffee the professor observed, “Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups have been used while the plain and cheap ones remain. While it is understandable for you to want only the best for yourselves, it demonstrates the source of your problems and stress.”

“Be assured,” he continued, “that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases a fancy cup simply is more exclusive and may obscure what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup. But you consciously went for the best cups… and then you began eyeing each other’s cups.”

“Now consider this: Life is the coffee. Your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools that hold and contain life. The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of life a person lives. Some times, by concentrating primarily on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.”

“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.”

My Living Will

I, Grannymar, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of dickhead politicians who couldn’t pass 4th year biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Dark chocolate

Dark chocolate
Glass of wine
Fillet Steak, onions, mushrooms & Chris Cross Chips

Dark chocolate
Dark chocolate

Pooh Bear Ice cream

Dark chocolate
Pooh Bear Ice cream


Pot of real coffee

Dark chocolate with Pooh Bear Ice cream
Dark chocolate


It should be presumed that I won’t ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the “fat lady sing”… and call it a day.


You can always bury me in a Chocolate box, preferably dark!

I’m Hungry…!

Yesterday I had an email asking if I was hungry. It was one of those days when I almost forgot to eat.

Once I read the message my tummy rumbled and I became obsessed with the need to eat. Now what was I going to have?

Can’t eat Beef, = Mad cow

Can’t eat chicken, = Bird flu

Can’t eat eggs, = Salmonella

Can’t eat pork, = fears of trichinosis

Can’t eat fish, = heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat

Can’t eat fruits and veggies, = insecticides and herbicides


I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds

Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately).

‘That’s why I had to pass this on – – – – – I didn’t want to risk it.

Remember – – – ‘STRESSED’ spelled backwards is ‘DESSERTS’