Monthly Archives: September 2007

My Hidden Vice

Over the past few months I have been naughty! Not really naughty, just a teeny-weeny, little bit.

I Grannymar am a Kleptomaniac!

You see I have developed a liking for reading other folks Blogs. They cover a wide spectrum and are not all listed in my Blogroll. Perhaps one of these days I might find the time to sort it out. So how can that be naughty?

I steal phrases or sentences I like. My collection is growing.

Today for fun I wondered if I used all of them what kind of post it would turn out to be. So here goes, and (((((HUGS))))))))) to everyone I stole from. See if you recognise a few words that belong to you:

#~#~#~#

I find myself in a strange space today as Mother Winter breathes crisp air into our my lungs, but my bathroom smells like a bucketful of barnacles that have been rotting for a week in the belly of a whale. There was no excuse for this, so I had to get down to some serious cleaning.

As I scrubbed I sang a little ditty to myself. At this stage I must confess that the only place I dare sing is in the bathroom. I didn’t ‘do’ music at school. Since I couldn’t carry a tune in my head, there was little point of me carrying a violin. As I sang croaked, my mind wandered to “Mushroom Meg”. In the town where I was born, bred and buttered, you were nobody unless you had a nickname! Mushroom Meg was at school with me, in fact we shared a desk. She called me “frost frogs”. Her granny who was German told her “This is the way people in Germany are called when they easily get cold!”

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Today I remembered something important! It was Mushroom Meg‘s Happy Mummmbledy-somethingth Brithday!

As we grew up she had all the signs of too much junk food and lack of exercise. She never realised that a tube of lipstick or the latest handbag and shoes can never make-up up for dry skin, dull hair lack-lustre eyes and a tired overweight body!

It is quite a few months since the last time we met for lunch; she had poor health for a year or two. I was afraid to hug her too hard because she seemed so very tiny and fragile. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. So I phoned Mushroom Meg with my usual birthday greeting: Yay for annual continuation days! (Birthdays) We talked of things we “coulda-woulda-shoulda” done, and she told me about her sister “Lucy Leek”

I can no longer hear the name Lucy Leek without becoming incandescent with rage about something or other. Lucy Leek has very strange ideas. She seems to think when you pay cash into a bank it goes in their safe wrapped up in rubber bands with your name on until you need to withdraw it again. Her attitude could use a little adjustment, when our dear Lucy Leek gets something into her mind hell and high water won’t stop her trying to force her ideas on her audience. I certainly could use a bit more patience with her.

So things are going stingingly in Funnymoon-land. Elly called to tell me she had an emergency trip to doctor as an insect bite has flared up badly. Thanks to the EU health card that we should all carry, the visit was free.

All the travelling reminded me of something I have discovered about a sense of place. It is that you can travel the country, seeing, touching, tasting, talking to people, participating in their community events and come to know something about each one.

The most important discovery of all, however, is that place truly resides within your heart and soul and memories.

As When the sun sets on this day, remember that God, in his infinite low sodium wisdom, loves you! And for what it’s worth- I do too!

Can You help?

Today a gentleman called Ralph was reading through old posts. In one called The Average Person I made reference to The Kennedys of Castleross a daily soap on Radio Eireann, when I was a school girl.

Ralph wondered if anyone can recall the name of the theme tune, also who performed it.

Anyone out there remember the theme tune or the details about it?

Were you Baptised

Three little Boys in Glasgow, were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Verger was there.

One little Boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”

“Sure,” said the Verger.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, “You are now Baptized!”

“When they got outside, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said,

“We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.” “We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.” “We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water!”

They all joined in asking, “Yeah! What do you think that means?”

“I think it means we’re Pisscopailians.”

A Prayer for stressed Grandads

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom

to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

And also,

help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be the feet I have to kiss to-morrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work…..

12% on Monday…

23% on Tuesday…

40% on Wednesday…

20% on Thursday…

and 5% on Friday…

And help me to remember…

When I am having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up,

it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and

only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!……

Dare me wouldye!

Grandad thinks I am chicken!

I don’t hide behind a hairy face! I leave that to old men!

grandad-himself.jpg

Look what he awarded me:

golden_crabs_winner.jpg

A useless ikkle logo! Now if it was a plate of Crabs legs, that might be tasty.
Now Grandad, listen up! I have no Crabs. I run a clean house, thank you!

Oh Dear!

As if all the bother I had yesterday is not enough, I have even more problems to face today.

I have to admit I slept well last night. Now that is is an event in itself. Perhaps all the triple G&T’s yesterday had something to do with it. No matter, the extra sleep stood me in good stead this morning.

I awoke to find an intruder!

I am so pleased that Elly is way off in ‘Funnymoonland’ and not able to read this. She worries you know!

I worry too, because, if she finds out she may NEVER come home to see me again!

This is a return visit for the intruder.

He was here before.

I have the evidence!

Thanks to K8 who tagged me in August, to regurgitate an old post I chose My Sleeping Partner. You might remember, it was about the hairy man I woke to find fondling my face! Well He is back! At least this time he had the grace to stay in the kitchen. I walked in there to go fill the kettle like we all do first thing in the morning, and what was sitting in the sink?

This beauty:

intruder.jpg

Why me? I am just a harmless little old hag lady.

What am I to do?

Today I received an invitation.

When you get to my age they don’t come like rain in an Irish summer. This one was from a gentleman; well perhaps I am being kind. You see I have never actually met this man. I have chatted to him for nearly a year now so you might say we have an understanding!

He wants to take things further and has asked me to play games with him. In fact the invitation actually says ‘Break out of your shell and open your heart!’

My Elly is way off ‘Funny-mooning’ so she is not in a position to offer her advice.

You hear funny tales about old men on ‘The Net’

This one calls himself Grandad!

Help!

Rules according to Men

My last few posts might seem that I was not very fond of men.

ME! Now come on, you all know my favourite sport is chasing Toy-boys! 😉

To even up the score I will share a little something I received the other day:

“The Rules” from the Male Side.

These are our rules!

Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cricket, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

Well Girls how did we get it all so wrong?

What did you say?

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing,” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

MEN

Okay, Okay, last night I had a long chat with my girlfriends as we shared a glass of wine or three.

Finally it all made sense…

I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnocologist

AND …..!

When we have REAL trouble, it’s a

HISterectomy

Ever notice how all of women’s problems

start with MEN?