Monthly Archives: November 2007

Singing and Sex

A minister from a Gospel Hall in North Antrim decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.”

The pastor shouted out “CROSS.”

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”

The pastor hollered out “GRACE.”

The congregation began to sing “AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said “POWER.”

The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.”

The Pastor said “SEX”

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”

Jim Reeves – lyrics
Precious mem’ries unseen angels sent from somewhere to my soul
How they linger ever near me as the sacred past unfold
Precious mem’ries how they linger how they ever flood my soul
In the stillness of the midnight precious sacred scenes unfold
As I travel on life’s pathway know not what the years may hold
And as I ponder hope grows fonder precious mem’ries flood my soul
Precious mem’ries how they linger…

Thursday Special ~ Anatomy Class

The anatomy professor says, “Now, class, I’ve a few questions for you about the homework.

Miss Murphy! Stand please.” [She stands.]

“What organ expands to ten times its normal size when excited?”

Miss Murphy flushes and fidgets.

Finally the professor tells her to be seated.

“Mister Campbell: stand please and answer the same question.”

“It’s the pupil of the eye, sir.”

“Very good, Mister Campbell.

Miss Murphy, I have three things to say to you.

First, you haven’t done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. Third, your in for a *big* disappointment.”

A day without laughter

A day without laughter is a day wasted. If that is the case then I have wasted two whole days. Perhaps its the weather and the lack of sunshine. I keep telling myself that it is, but in my heart of hearts I know that it is the approach of the jingly jangle season. No matter where you go you are deafened with ‘Sleigh Bells Ringing’ when in fact the only thing ringing are cash registers.

Everyone suddenly becomes so busy and can be heard chanting ‘I must do….’, ‘I have to do….’ or ‘We were invited to… and can’t get out of it!’ People rush about buying smelly soap for Auntie Jean when what she really needs is a bloody good meal and a couple of hours of attention. Does Uncle Peter have to have socks again for the twentieth time? Have you ever sat and listened to what he would really like? It might surprise you if you did.

Any day now I will be asked a question, well to be truthful I have been asked several times already “I suppose you will be going south for Christmas”? That is the way they ask questions in this town. I have a daughter down there and they assume that I will drive down to annoy her for the festive season. Why would I do that? Elly is newly married and has to be allowed to put her own stamp on how to spend Christmas.

I have had invitations over the years but having listened to various friends moan about having to invite mother, mother-in-law, sister, cousin or aunt when all they want is to be alone with their family, I decided that the best place for me was here in my own little castle. Inviting somebody one year might be wonderful, repeating it year in and year out can become a drag for all concerned.

I will get up when I like, cook the food I like, when I like, light the fire, have a drink and toast all my loved ones and friends, read a book or listen to some nice music and I can always watch a DVD on the computer even if I have no TV.

So if you meet me on the street don’t ask! Just wish me a nice quiet Christmas and you will have a friend for life.

May your Christmas be just the way you like it!

Dish the Dirt

Where do you eat breakfast, snacks, and lunch?

Now be honest how often do you eat at your computer terminals.

AOL collected the dust, dirt and organic debris accumulating beneath the keys of a keyboard in a typical London office for a month. They discovered that computer keyboards are accumulating up to two grams of muck every month.

Personal grooming done at the terminal also contributes to the buildup of gunge, so stop picking at that spot or your nose and leave your hair alone!

Now look at what they found:

Corn Flakes (15%)

Boiled sweet (15%)

Noodles (7%)

Vegetable pieces (4%)

Leaf (1%)

Pencil shavings (1%)

Staple (1%)

Finger nail (<1%)

Tape/plastic (<1%)

Insect (<1%)

Foil (<1%)

Hair (<1%)
Various particles resembling cereal grains, biscuit crumbs, bread crumbs, pastry flakes and chocolate crumbs (56%)

Do people still use pencils?

Update

Perhaps one of these might fit in on a list or in a stocking!

flexible-keyboard.jpg

This amazing flexible keyboard is manufactured in durable silicone enabling it to be rolled up. The keyboard has soft and comfortable keys that respond exceptionally quick to finger strokes and its waterproof, dust proof and coffee proof making it an ideal keyboard extreme locations.
I found it on USBNow.co.uk

Safety on the Interweb

Skeleton

We are constantly reminded how important it is to keep a close eye on our children’s use of computers and the Internet. Now at this stage you all know I try to be a responsible mother and I do my best to check up on all Elly’s comings and goings on the ‘net’.

Since she is so far away I find it difficult to keep up to date with what she is at. You could say that all the effort has me worn out.

Now my Elly has no difficulty keeping a close eye on me! I get these ‘Now Mother!’ notes and phone calls; it might be just as well that I don’t have her living next door to me or all my secrets would be revealed!

This week she was lurking among my vital Google statistics and look what she found.

Keywords

1. grandad sex

2. wood briquettes

3. a coffee in achill

4. germs are everywhere

5. grannies toyboys

6. granny and grandad sex

7. grannymar

8. sexy granny

9. toyboys

10. ‘count your garden by the flowers.

People think I have toy boys on the brain, well let me tell you nothing could be further from the truth.

What really worries me is all this sex stuff! I have never had sex with a granddad. I don’t want to know about sex with a granddad and as for Granny & Grandad’s sex life, well that is their secret!

Is it any wonder my hair turned grey?

I will go with No. 10 and count my garden by the flowers, alas there are not many flowers these days!

Well Done Grandad!

Now I don’t mean well done like a steak, but then at his age he might be a little like that these days. 😉

I have just heard or should that be read about his double whammy! Winner of the Best Blogger at the Spider Awards last night and also news of a Book Deal.

Grandad at Spider Awards

The effort of posting every day, always sounding fresh and interesting is no mean feat.

I take my hat off to you Grandad and wish you every success with the book. I only hope that the blog keeps going for all of your followers worldwide. We are now all so hooked in, that withdrawal symptoms are unthinkable.

Rest well after the night on the town and enjoy the glow of the occasion.

I look forward to reading the book in the months ahead and expect to be invited to the Book Launch!

Heartfelt Congratulations my good friend.

The Big C and the Cinema

While checking out The Boomer Chronicles the other afternoon I notice Rhea has a post on a forthcoming film What Would Jesus Buy?

‘What Would Jesus Buy? follows Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping Gospel Choir as they go on a cross-country mission to save Christmas from the Shopocalypse: the end of mankind from consumerism, over-consumption and the fires of eternal debt!’

poster_thumb.jpg

It is now on my list for viewing once it is released this side of the pond.

For all of you out there who hate the commercialism of Christmas it might pass an hour or so.

Thursday Special ~ Ten ages of Beautiful Women

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can’t go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” – but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so she’s going out anyway.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees “clean” and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Test Post from Windows live Writer

Today I have taken another step deeper into the world of technology.

I downloaded Windows live Writer. It was slower than I had anticipated. Like every other step along this road I WILL learn and get used to it. So why did I do it?

Well I am not really the jealous type, but that fellow Grandad boasted that he had Live Writer and I said to myself if he can use it then there is no excuse for me. So this is my very first attempt and I want to find out what all these little icons on the side are.

Now here goes

1. Insert Hyperlink… that worksGrandad

2. Insert Picture …

Oh gosh! That worked better than I thought.

So pay heed to the poster he lurks everywhere!

3. Insert Table… now let me think…

Crocker Tavern Dining Room

Now that was heavy lugging the table around so I think I will save the rest for tomorrow.