WARNING: No drinking coffee while reading.

The following alternative medical definitions of some common words come courtesy of The Washington Post:

Abdicate : to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Balderdash : a rapidly receding hairline.
Circumvent : an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Coffee : the person upon whom one coughs.
Esplanade : to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted : appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence : emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Gargoyle : olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Lymph : to walk with a lisp.
Negligent : describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Pokemon : a Rastafarian proctologist.
Rectitude : the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Testicle : a humorous question on an exam.
Willy-nilly : impotent.