You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
“Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A little boy asked his father,
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

This one came from the long married Lewis!