To surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
This came from a cousin. I hope this is not his method of dictation!
Typical cat, cannot decide whether to go in or stay out! It came via email a very long time ago.
Willy retired from his job and bought a pumpkin patch. He thought that he could make more money from chickens than the previous owner made from pumpkins, so he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.
’50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch,’ commented the proprietor.
‘I am used to big business’ Willy replied.’
A week later Willy was back at the farm.
‘I need another 50 chickens,’ he said.
‘Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,’ the poultry farmer told him.
‘Oh yes,’ Willy replied. ‘It’ will be Ok if I can just iron out a few problems.’
‘Problems?’, asked the farmer.
‘Yeah,’ replied the Willy, ‘I think I planted that first batch too close together.’
Happy Halloween to one and all, especially PP, who sent this tale to me.
Thursday Special ~ Two pumpkins
One day two pumpkins, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.
The uninjured pumpkin called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured pumpkin was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured pumpkin, “I have good news, and I have bad news.
The good news is that your friend is going to pull through.”
The bad news is…..
He’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
Thank you Frank for this timely little number.
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a “BUMP….BUMP….BUMP…” behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him….”BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…”
The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster….faster…BUMPBUMPBUMP.
He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP…BUMP…BUMP… on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything….all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin…and suddenly “the coffin stops.”
Thanks to Noreen for this scary tale.
Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween!!
Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.
Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!
Thanks to Paddy for these rib ticklers.
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.’
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab……………….
I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’
An oldie. It has the mark of Frank on it.
A Frenchman in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied…..
“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
A coffee with Dave the other day, produced this little nugget!
Man’s wife notices a green growth on top of hubby’s bald head so he goes off to see a doctor.
Doctor feels it and looks at it but is stumped so sends him off to see a specialist (and we all know how long that can take).
Some years later he sees the specialist and by now the green spot has grown larger.
The specialist gets out a powerful magnifying glass and peers at the growth – he is amazed to see a lake surrounded by grass and trees – some swans are floating around the lake and there’s even a picnic area – “ah” says the doctor “nothing to worry about – it’s just a beauty spot!”
Thanks to Noreen for this little beauty. My stash of Thursday Specials is now empty. Should I try to collect some more or find something new for Thursdays?
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer”, says the balloonist.
“I am”, replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “You must be in management.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
We have Frank to thank for this little number, I am sure he always knows where he is!